Disclaimer: 2020 has been quite the year and we are incredibly fortunate and privileged to be healthy, safe, and have had the opportunity/ability to pivot with it. It’s tough to be in a place where you’re both grateful and devastated at the same time. I know that we cannot be the only ones who experienced this tension this year.
This post is meant to acknowledge that even when the calendar changes, we will still have the scars from 2020 and to speak to those who are wondering where to go from here.
This is probably the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever written. * deep breaths * Here goes…
I’m an eternally optimistic person and I tend to look back on this year and remember the good times (we did have a few!) but then when I sit down to plan my 2021 wonder why I’m suddenly crying and overwhelmed.
If that’s you too, then know that this post is for you.
It’s okay to grieve the plans that didn’t happen, the stolen opportunities, the memories we didn’t get, the moments we missed and will never have again.
I’m not here to say, here’s a 3-step plan for pushing forward. I’m here to say that it’s okay if you’re scared to even think about taking the first step – I am too and here’s what I’m doing to still move ahead and live my life.
Feelings that come up when starting over and all of your plans have gone out the window:
- Fear
- Anxiety
- Stress
- Shame
Mostly fear – A lot of fear.
2020 was supposed to be the year we actually did it. We’ve been talking about starting a YouTube channel since our first trip in 2016.
But we finally launched in 2019 and in 2020 we were free to travel and explore without other commitments – We were 100% in.
We had a year full of plans and goals – The measurable kind. The ones where you’ve thought through exactly what you need to do to reach them down to the percentage of click-through-rate.
Then it all came crashing down on the first trip of the year.
And now here we are trying – achingly trying – to pick up the pieces and figure out what still fits.
The passions, excitement, and “alive” feelings haven’t gone away – Only now they are jaded with resentment, hesitation, and the fear that the rug will get pulled out from under us again.
That I will plan and get excited and do the work and make the moves – Only to be punched in the gut by the world again.
February 2020 – Filming another video for our channel – Before I knew what “infection rate” meant
It wouldn’t be so heart wrenching if I didn’t want it so badly.
But I’ve honestly never felt more alive doing anything else.
Travel – as silly as it may sound – is what makes me come alive.
Maybe it’s your art or work or business that makes you come alive and 2020 has hit through them like a wrecking ball too – Leaving a gaping hole where passion and excitement used to be.
This is not a post that’s telling you to just get over it – Leave the fear behind and move on.
This is not another post reminding you how much worse things could be and telling you to ignore your emotions and be grateful.
I’m not going to hype you up on false promises that everything is going to be okay and we can all just pretend this year didn’t even happen.
2020 happened. We’re hurt. And now what?
Let’s figure it out together.
Pockets stuffed with hand sanitizer and visiting the Eiffel Tower – 2 days before it was closed.
I’ve spent the majority of 2020 trying to ignore the fact that all of our dreams were going up in flames around us. I dove headfirst into work and drowned myself.
I couldn’t even look at our travel photos or open our website without an overwhelming sense of loss washing over me.
Props to the travel bloggers who kept writing, the musicians who wrote quarantine albums, the theatre kids who did Zoom productions.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I can’t be the only one.
Day 4 of trying to get home from France – This was traveling in 2020.
For example, I posted on Instagram before our trip to France in February and didn’t share another thing until October. That’s a very physical picture of how long it took me to even be able to fathom talking about how this year has been for us.
We have been incredibly blessed to stay relatively healthy and have
Actually, I’m going to be 100% real with you and for just a brief moment put down the whole “I’m just blessed to be alive” trope.
Last dinner in France followed by me sick for the rest of our trip and Chris drinking all of the wine without me.
This is how our year has gone since we posted our last video in March, maybe you’ve gone through a few of these things too and can relate:
March
- Celebrated my birthday surrounded by friends from around the city and country
- Left for France loaded up with hand sanitizer and spent an incredible few days in Paris before going to our housesit in Normandy
- Getting sick the first day in Normandy and staying sick for the next 8 weeks.
Playing the “is this COVID or the flu?” game. - Quarantining in Normandy during confinement where only one of us could leave the house at a time within a certain radius of the house and for certain requirements
- Realizing this was not going to be just 2-weeks and cancelling all of our travel plans
(The Netherlands, Czech, and Italy in the spring, as well as Japan, Vietnam and Thailand in the fall) - Trying to figure out if/when we should go back to the US
It was a long trip back to the US – One of these days, we might post a video about it. But that’s not today.
April
- Many cancelled flights and no reimbursement later, we’re on a plane back to the US
- Quarantining in our apartment where we didn’t step foot outside for fear that we had COVID and were going to give it to someone in our community
- Taking our temperatures twice a day – every day – Was the number getting higher or just our anxiety?
- Living off of unemployment and the bits of freelancing jobs we could piece together
We may be smiling but on the inside we’re thinking about how quickly we went from planning trips to castles and temples to planning trips to random Route 66 attractions.
May
- Realizing that all of our plans had gone to sh*t for 2020 (this is the losing all hope moment – It was easier to lose hope than to keep holding on and continually have those hopes dashed)
- Family health issues where we ended up driving hours just to be there to support them since we were the only ones who could properly quarantine and not expose at-risk family members
Trying to get into nature on some hikes. Protests and rallies outside our front door. Drowning the stress with work.
June – July
- Living in a city that has such high COVID numbers and no mask policy that we were afraid to go anywhere
- Saying goodbye to friends from a distance as one by one they each made the tough decision to move closer to family
- Going back to a full-time job and saying yes to all of the work that came our way because we were just grateful to have something to distract us
The look Chris would give me every time I tried to convince him we needed a dog or could definitely foster kittens. 😊
Also featured: Chris’s quarantine beard.
August
- Re-evaluating our choices and where we want to be –
What if we can’t ever travel again? What does our life look like if things never change? Where do we want to be and what do we prioritize? Do we want to get a dog? 😊
Making the tough choice to leave a city we loved to go on a new adventure – Closer to nature and our families.
September – December
- Buying a home in a pandemic
- Moving in a pandemic
- Renovating in a pandemic
- An election, multiple COVID tests and quarantines later…
And now here we are in December 2020 – What a year.
It’s okay to acknowledge how hard this year has been.
I’m not here to say, here’s a 3-step plan for pushing forward.
I’m just here to say that it’s okay if you’re scared to even think about taking the first step – I am too and here’s what I’m doing to still move ahead and live my life:
The only new year’s resolution I’m making is to keep trying.
Sometimes trying is the best we can do. Writing this post is me trying – Being vulnerable and honest and telling a small piece of our story hoping that it helps someone who is going through a similar thing.
I’ve decided that “to try” is all I’m going to ask of my dreaming heart in 2021.
That’s all I can pull together right now – and that’s okay. It’s better than giving up.
Besides being sick, confinement in Normandy wasn’t all that bad 😊
Using a different system for 2021
In order to keep trying, even with the fear and scars from 2020 still welling up, I’m writing out plans and goals for 2021.
Normally, I have a spreadsheet that I keep with the last 5 years of goals written out and organized according to the areas of my life and reflect on them throughout the year.
Yes, I’m very Type A.
I attempted to open this spreadsheet about halfway through the year and start over for 2020 but couldn’t make it through; The grief over a life that I had envisioned for myself was still too raw.
For planning in 2021, I’m not even going to open that list back up. I’ve purchased the Elegant Excellence Journal from Hilary Rushford, a businesswoman I follow online and deeply admire her passion for essentialism in life and business.
I’m literally opening a new page in a new book for 2021.
It’s helping so far, and I’d recommend it if you’re struggling with using your usual planning system.
One of my goals for 2021 is to get outside every Saturday. This was a fun, snowy hike in the mountains.
Writing my plans and goals in pencil
but committing to them like they’re in ink.
As I wrote out the quarters for 2021 and started thinking about my big goals and priorities for the year, I kept feeling like, “everything is so up in the air – what’s the point of even planning anymore.”
My internal dialogue has not been the most positive lately.
But according to my new year’s resolution of continuing to try, I’m taking it easy on myself and easing my way back into hoping and dreaming again.
Like I’m nursing my dreams back to health, I’m focusing on reading books, writing blogs, and going on hikes to explore our new city.
It took me 8 months to want to write again and another 2 months to actually open the computer and type out this post. It’s okay if you don’t jump right into things where you left off in February.
Just because the calendar changes from one year to the next doesn’t mean that the scars of 2020 are immediately healed and COVID has disappeared.
We’re in this for the long haul – we need to treat ourselves accordingly.
Here’s to 2021. 🍾
